Ichigo Kurosaki Vs Death Note
by Lord22
Summary: Ichigo Kurosaki is not much of a detective. However he is bored, and concerned with the way the Police are handling an open and shut case. So to pass the time he decides to figure out the mystery of Kira.


Notes:

One day Ichigo Kurosaki, having no particular place in the world or strong desire in life got bored and began to read through the recent reports on the Kira case.

Ordinarily he would track down the person responsible with spiritual pressure sensing, but he didn't have that special ability and he didn't have time to learn with all the hollows appearing. To this end, he sat down in his desk and after helping his little sister with her homework wrote down what he knew about the Kira case.

_'The person I am looking for is operating in the Kanto Region._

_The person I am looking for has a god complex, and needs a name and face. Or so Urahara suspects._

_Ergo person I'm looking for has access to the names and faces of Prisoners, and people who have been channeled through a Police Station._

_The person I'm looking for has thus far evaded the Police, despite an Official Investigation unit being formed. Why? Because the Investigation unit is not asking any questions. Or at least, not the right questions._

_Ergo either they are lazy, or they have their suspect already. _'And just don't care.'

_The person I am looking for is on the Investigation unit? Is that possible. Of course it is. Its the only explanation for their lack of progress. I've gotten this far in an afternoon._

_Ergo: The person I am looking for is the odd one out.'_

Ichigo opened up a tab and searched through a number of different records on Highschool graduates and came up with two of note. Ryuzaki and Light Yagami.

'Still, all I have right now is a suspicion...'

He made a phone call. 'Hey Urahara, I need a location and something else...'

This took him five minutes. Care to see what he could do with five hours before morning?

...

Breaking into the Police Station was not quite so difficult as it ought to have been. The Police had apparently gotten lazy since they had for all intents and purposes stopped working. But the fact was that criminals didn't stop.

Ichigo still had to beat down plenty of thugs. Its just that the Thugs who got killed were the ones that already got their photos taken. The Police did not have everyones file.

They certainly didn't have Ichigo's. He began to skim through the personal lists absently.

'Lets see... special investigation units...

Kira Investigation Unit.

And...'

L. Ryuzaki. He had called for the founding of the Unit in the first place, so chances were he was not the person Ichigo was looking for.

_'Probably has an Alias.'_

He switched pages-

The door opened and he looked up.

Touta Matsuda was holding two cups of coffee with his eyes closed. 'Sorry about staying here late, Chief. Its just that I've been scanning through the files and hoping somebody would-' He halted. 'Your not the Chief.'

There was a long, long, awkward silence as Ichigo stood there. 'Eh heheheheh, uh... I'm a volunteer?'

'Stop right there!' said Touta, struggling to shift the coffee to one hand and reach for his gun. 'You are under arrest as a Kira suspect-'

'Light Yagami is Kira.' said Ichigo flatly.

'What? No, thats impossible.'

'Oh come on! His file is unusually detailed, you don't have any other suspects, or any official suspects at all! The kid spends all his time in his room, and it says here his Father suspects he's bugged his Police files! He is the only person with the time, resources, and anything else to possibly be Kira!

And just to avoid any confusion I brought out a list of other suspects and all of them are on the Special Invesitagation Unit! If you'd just tossed a handgrenade in there or started shooting we could have been done by now!'

'But don't you understand! If Light has access to his files then he has access to the Video Cameras.'

Ichigo flipped the switch dramatically. Twice.

'I cut the hardline before I got in here.' He said flatly. ;You didn't really think that I would break into a Police-station, even a barely occupied one without taking precautions to keep my image intact? Did you?'

'Oh, thats uh... thats a bit out of the ordinary.'

'Yeah well, just because I'm not a professional criminal doesn't mean that I don't know how avoid being seen if I wish.' Ichigo shrugged 'It comes with the territory.'

'Wait, but if your not a professional criminal that must mean... your a delinquent!'

Ichigo punched him out and Matsuda landed with a crash.

'Now, how to deal with this...' He picked up a gun.

'What does anyone do when a Punk presents clear-and-present danger to life and limb? Get dangerous.'

Then he suddenly realized that morning was approaching. He ran. He ran as fast as he could with all the speed he could muster onward through the streets, knowing that if he failed to stop him in time, dozens of people he didn't know might die. Perhaps hundreds. He ran with everything he had, zooming through the streets and nearly getting run over twice as his heart beat, his lungs laboring for breath as he reached the house. There was an wall where a window used to be.

...

Light Yagami was sitting down to write more names in the deathnote, when quite abruptly his not-window exploded inward. An Orange haired delinquent rappeled into the room with stolen Police Equipment and pointed the gun at him.

'You are Kira! I'm making a citizens arrest!'

Light Yagami stood there for a few moments, unsure of how to proceed. He had a SWAT facemask on. No name. No face. No use for the Deathnote.

'Whats your evidence?' He tried. 'You can't just walk in here-'

'Evidence?! You've got a book over there called Death Note! The neighbors have complained about proclamations of godhood, and you've got several thousand names written in-' There was a long silence. 'Fuck it.'

Ichigo machinegunned him, then took the book and showed it to the Camera which the police had had all along. 'Look at this?! The person whose name is written in this notebook dies! HOW THE FUCK! HAVE YOU PEOPLE NOT SHOT THE FUCKER BEFORE NOW!  
I'm superslide TNT! I'm the guns of the navorone! Your the collection of jackoffs who are supposed to be on brain detail! And the next time somebody goes looking for a killer I'd listen to Matsuda!' He took out his cell phone. 'Hey Urahara, I need a memory wipe of five mortals.'

Then taking up the Death note he looked at the several thousand notes in it.

Then he looked up to where Ryuk was floating by. His eyes narrowed slightly, and Ryuk fled. 'And get me a stretcher. Looks like Kuroschutchi is going to be getting an early Christmas present...'

Ryuk did not get far. For Rukia Kuchiki had zoomed in on Ichigo's location and seeing the Hollow-like creature slashed him down. Ichigo stalked out of the house with the notebook, and then surged in wrathful power. The book was reduced to dust beneath one crushing fist.

...

**Authors note:**

I suddenly realized during Death Note that the Investigation unit is more or less the main villains. At every concievable point they had all the evidence they needed. Instead they spend the entire series finding new and creative ways to be complete ineffectual.

Its a suspense story where nothing happens. Light Yagami should have been a starter villain who gets killed off early, before segwaying into wacky suspense/cosmic horror story hijinks between L and Matsuda.

And seriously? Fuck Aizawa, he was put on point and he lets the Chief's innocent daughter get murdered. Or nearly murdered at any rate. Not to mention screwing over Naomi Misa with his indifferance.

The plot of Death note is a joke, because all the real protagonists get killed of early. Ray Penbar, Naomi Misa, L, these are the people who took an active role in things.

Why was Light the main character? His character arc was one sentence long. Everything else was the Investigation unit being either spiteful assholes to the point of a moral event horizon, or complete idiots.

Except for Matsuda, who is a first time audiance surrogate who assumes that the events which are transpiring here are actually going somewhere.

Misa is the closest thing to a real protagonist, because she drives the plot by keeping it somewhat suspenseful. The possibility of her Shinigami eyes distracts us from the fact that we'd be better off watching the Second Season of Code Geass.

Why?

Because Lelouch is beset by an Investigation unit, and uses cunning alone to make the useful ones defect, and everyone else lasso themselves with whipcords.

Also there is a fight between a Maid Ninja and Terminator Cyborg ninja. So yeah, fuck deathnote. And fuck Mello.

Seriously.

Innocent until proven guilty is all well and good, but this is rediculous.

There was a knock on the door. It opened.

Omake: The Britannian solution.

'Although this is an international broadcast, we are only broadcasting in the Kanto region. I now know where you are.'

'You heard the man!' said Princess Cornelia 'Bombard Kanto into a ash-strewn wasteland.'

The Kira Case was wrapped up in a little less than a day.


End file.
